The Obama Diaries, April 30, 2009

Posted by Clyde Middleton on Apr 30 2009 Filed under Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

We were fortunate enough to have insider access to Obama’s diary during the campaign – see Related Articles. It’s been a while since he sat to write, but now he is and we have it for you.

Whew! This job sucks. My b-ball game is hurting. But what’s cool is nobody fouls me anymore with all the SS dudes hanging out fully armed. I drive the paint all day, and nobody touches me. Can’t hit from 20 feet worth a damn, but I still got game. I asked Reid to join me the other day. Thought the dude was going to cough up a lung after three minutes. Pretty funny.

Well, I just finished 100 days as king president. Made my first big payoff. The UAW now – or will shortly – OWNS General Motors. Oh no, thank you! Your hundreds of millions of dollars in support these past few decades made it all possible. My pleasure. Next on the list, Planned Parenthood is going to own the healthcare industry. I can’t believe how much power I have. I LOVE IT!

Yeah, power everywhere but home. Mich is riding me nasty. Hillary ain’t helping. I walk down the hall the other day and them two are talking. Pantsuit says, “This office does funny things to people. You may need these.” I walk in and they’re all looking like white trash caught in a meth lab. I smile graciously – I have a gift for that – and chit chat for a bit. Mich takes the box H had given to her, closes it, and puts it away. I had the SS check it out later. A box of fricking ashtrays! Can you believe it? They ain’t for my smoking I can tell you that. And they look like they’d hurt upside the head. Damn.

So I send Mitchell over to Israel to bitch slap Israel a little. Ain’t working out too good. My Palestinian brothers are saying bad things like Israel is not a Jewish state, they’ll talk only if Syria is involved – all sorts of, as H says, things that aren’t “helpful.” Allah (PBUH), that chick grates on me. Anyway. I mean, everything they say is true, but I’m telling them – patience, I’ll get you everything. Let Israel walk off the pier. That Bibi is a nut case. Then you can have it all – right of return, all of Jerusalem. Just tell me what you want, then shut up and let me work my magic. Nobody understands how the Universe works but me. Am I really all alone?

I. Cannot. Stand. Biden. Stay off planes and subways? So his office issues a correction – again – and says this time he meant planes to and from Mexico. Yeah, that was real clear. What about the subway crack? Didn’t clear that piece up, did you? The man’s gotta find a hole to stay in. Maybe some foreign leaders will start dying and I can send him out of town.

Oh. Buzzing NYC. Laugh my ass off. Nobody gets it, do they? Look, upstaters are a bunch of Bible thumping, locked and loaded bigots. Rudy runs for Gov, upstate is lost. I gotta have the City, but they love the dude. So, a little reminder of who actually runs this country can’t hurt. Thwap! Yeah, I’m bad. Kinda sorry about that guy I had to toss under the bus. Seemed nice enough. Oh well, careers have to end sometime. I’ll let the FAA guy stay on, though. I think we’re related somehow. My dad’s side, obviously.

I got one thing to say about Chavez: The dude needs to bathe more often. Good book, though. I read it years ago. I may have even plagiarized it in one of my books (not the one Ayers wrote for me).

So I had a presser last night. At least that’s what they think. I just assembled the minions in front of me and said anything I wanted to. Yeah, I know, the reference to England and no torture was stupid. I forgot about Ireland and everything the Brits did to them. Hey, Ireland’s economy is tanking waaaaaaay more than ours. They ain’t gonna say nothing. I did the deadpan look at FoxNews three times – you catch that? Just long enough so they noticed it, then I called on someone else. Criticize me, will you? There be a price to be paid, son. Think about it. Follow the NYT lead, the CBS lead. They got it happening. And ABC better watch its ass. That Jake dude is beginning to piss me off.

Was my make-up overdone? I thought I looked like a darker version of Gore when W cleaned his clock at that debate. Little too much. I looked a like a milk chocolate bar.

This Swine Flu thing couldn’t come at a better time. Can you believe I met somebody and then they died? My heart jumps every time I fart or sneeze! Anyway, it’s like a perfect opening to take over the healthcare industry. PP has clinics all over the country. I think I might toss a few billion their way and have them screen the entire country. I love my job.

Shit List update: Dennis Miller, President Sarcozy of France, Jason Kidd (I lost $50 on the Spurs because of that idiot).

Have you seen Iraq going back into violence? Oh man. I am not happy. No idea what to do. None. Zip. Nada. Maybe Iran can send some troops in? I’ll talk to Brother Mahmoud. We had some behind-the-door meetings with them. All hush hush for now. I get this envelop with his handwriting on it sent back to me. Had a $5 gift certificate to Kentucky Fried Chicken in it. Not sure what it means besides he’s a cheap prick. I sent him Cuban cigars.

Putin ain’t talking to me. Says he’s busy preparing for Georgia. I had my people send him a list of good restaurants in Atlanta and some box-seat tickets for a Braves game. I wonder if he’ll stop by?

I’m a little nervous about the Iranian elections coming up. Mahmoud don’t look too good – down 13. The last thing I need is some moderate over there. Would screw up my plans for Israel. We do this pipeline thing and get the promise of lots of cash coming in – Mahmoud let’s our troops cross his country to get to Afghan … all good things that maybe can swing the election back his way. He’s gotta stop sending ships loaded with arms to Hamas, though. Those crazy Jews just make a huge spectacle of it. Maybe I can move Hamas over to Egypt and have them run that country. Not a bad idea. Let me make a note of that …

So Specter finally comes out of the closet! Would’ve been good all around if Reid didn’t promise him ALL of his seniority. Now the brothers and sisters are jumping ugly over committee assignments. Anyway, we get the comedian down from that state up there – Wisconsin, Minnesota, Kentucky – wherever it is, and we are rocking and rolling in the Senate. Yes, you are welcome.

Final note. You know what pisses me off more than anything? The cons saying I can’t take criticism. FU – I WON. I need a cigarette.

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