The Nationalized Nationals Baseball Club

Posted by Clyde Middleton on Jun 11 2009 Filed under Economy, Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

The Nationalized Nationals took the field today for their 147th game as a government-owned baseball franchise. Excitement filled the air as the team took batting practice.

When asked how he planned to counter the powerful Florida Marlin bats, the skipper, Ed Whitacre, former head of a telecommunications company, said, “I don’t know anything about baseball.” That statement, not surprisingly, is reflected in the club’s dismal performance to date.

Rep. Barney Frank was in the audience to watch his favorite player, left fielder Manuel Soto, who made the team only days before the season began when Rep. Frank noticed that there were no players on the team from his home district. After a few short meetings, the Nationals had a new starting outfielder. Soto is leading the league in errors, and has the lowest batting production among non-pitchers. Says Frank, “This ‘non-pitcher’ qualifier is discrimination. Isn’t a pitcher also a baseball player? Don’t they hold the lumber over the dish? Compare Manny to all baseball players and his numbers show a strong baseline with measureable room for improvement.” Even accepting his enlarged comparative base, Rep. Frank still lacks a point: Soto is headed toward a stunning record of striking out 94% of the time (a number eerily similar to his fielding-error percentage). Not even relief pitchers achieve that. He’s been hit by the pitch another 5% (including a major-league leading 18 times in the head), and the remaining 1% of his plate appearances have all been instances when he was awarded first base because the opposing pitcher refused to pitch to him. He has never walked, never come into contact with the ball (besides with his body), and has never reached second base in his young career.

We’re deep into the season now, and the Nationals have a record of 1-146, the single victory coming when the LA Dodgers mysteriously left town after beating the Nationals 88-0 and 45-0 in the first two games of the three-game set. Baseball Commissioner Marion Barry, in a statement released from his detox cell, declared the game a forfeit and awarded the win to the Nationals. Said Dodger manager Joe Torre a few days later: “My guys were exhausted from running the bases. To leave town just seemed prudent and in the best interests of my team.”

Regardless of their major-league record-breaking losses, the stands are always full for each home game. The Gay Pride section, which has grown to fill every left and center field seat, is always packed with colorfully dressed fans sitting on pastel-tinted plastic. Their presence becomes raucous each 7th-Inning Stretch when 20 or more gay-marriage ceremonies are held on the field at each home game. The playing of “Somewhere over the Rainbow” is always poignant as the LGBT crowd brings their infants from the “Gayby Day-care Center,” only to return them as Rep. Frank changes out of his blue and white checked dress and ruby-red shoes. Baseball continues when he returns to his seat.

Union members always come out in strong numbers, filling the first-to-third base wrap-around sections in the seats owned by the UAW. The only exception to complete ownership of these prime seats is a section next to the home dugout owned by the Democrat National Committee.

ACORN members, many of them relaxing after a hard day of counting minorities and cleansing the records of the Census of white male conservatives, fill the upper levels to capacity.

Today’s game started out similar to most for the Nationals – they gave up 18 runs in the top of the first (they average a 15.4-run deficit before coming to bat). The bottom of the first brought some excitement as Tommy Deluge, representing the Americans with Disabilities shareholders faction, actually came into contact with the ball, sending it meekly up the third-base line. He slapped his wheelchair into overdrive only to be thrown out by a mere 46 feet. Experts estimate that if only he had another 9 seconds he could have beaten the throw. It was the first bat-ball contact for the Nationals in 17 games.

There was a prolonged delay in the bottom of the fourth. With the Nationals trailing 57-0, Manny Soto came to the plate. The LGBT crowd broke into rhyme, shouting, “Man-ny, Man-ny, where’s that bat, your fan-ny?” As if to show how deeply he was moved, Manny sat on the bat and looked in their direction. With his hand extended, waving to the crowd, he took a hanging curve ball to the forehead. Since the team is covered by the Obamacare Insurance Plan, it took three hours for medical staff to arrive from a nearby clinic. The visiting Marlins used the break to take naps, refreshing their legs from the wind sprints of running around the base-pads. The home Nationals used the time to play games with the fans – cribbage and poker with the union folks, and patty-cake with the LGBT crowd. Many lay motionless at home plate the whole time, with the bat giving him an odd tripod appearance.

With such long half-frames as the visiting team comes to bat, the television analysts have plenty of time to discuss the impact of the Nationals on baseball. Opposing teams have thrown an amazing 54 perfect games and 75 no-hit ball just this year. Visitors bat an astounding .524 with On Base Percentages averaging .892. The only mark against visitors is that they have 237 hit-by-pitches for which to account. Says Mets pitcher Livan Hernandez, “I hate them. I work hard to get here. They just join ACORN and donate to a few political campaigns, and they get to play? They deserve to be hit. It’s target practice.” Most teams have taken to viewing series against the Nationals as off-days, using position players as players, and calling up Triple-A replacements for their starters. The Nationals have a league-leading 17 suicides since opening day.

Today’s game took 6 hours 32 minutes to play, and the final score was 118-0. Manny was taken to a Vet Clinic for an MRI and observation because the regular clinic lacked working equipment. He’s reported as resting comfortably and enjoying the company of several dogs.

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