Girls of the New Jersey Penal System
Posted by Clyde Middleton
on Jul 7 2006 Filed under Entertainment, Living.
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The ladies had so much fun with the bad-hair contest in the post a few below this one, they insisted upon a beauty pageant. We conducted personal interviews to assess various talents, but to achieve fairness insisted that only their mug-shot pics be used.
In order to view the contestants full records, you need to hit “Accept” on the NJDOC site, put in the gal’s first and last name, and then drift to the bottom and hit “Submit.” Your last step is to hit your gal pal’s inmate number!
Our first contestant is Kyeisha Blakey. Although she showed up asking about the bad-hair competition, we figured we would allow her into this one. We need rules, ladies – you can only come into the current competition. Kyeisha sports a delicate brown jumpsuit over a crisp white tee. Her rabbit-ears ‘do softly frame her inquisitive look. Kyeisha is keeping her nose clean – literally – for another 7 weeks until she maxes on her drug charges.
Vanessa – our first dual entry for both the bad-hair comp and the beauty pageant (and, she assured me, “any f—ing runway thing I wanna do”), she graciously spreads her 212 pounds over a lovely 5’5” frame, topped off with a Pebbles Flintstone ‘do. Having maxed out on a sexual assault charge, Vanessa is sure to be hitting the dating hot spots in Southern NJ! Watch out boys, this girl don’t take “no” for an answer!
Megan wasn’t sure that she wanted to enter. But it didn’t take too much cajoling after we told her that for the talent competition she could re-enact her carjacking with all of her 182 pounds shoved into her 5’3” body. She took Tom, our poor stage hand that “volunteered” to help, and with one hand pulled him through the rolled down window and tossed him 17 feet 8 inches! Her pouty lips and carefree hair style ensure a high placement in the final rounds.
Our next, um, contestant is Shontera Jennings. I know, babe, we’re not quite sure why you showed up for the audition, either. But with terroristic threats and a parole date in just a few weeks, we are pleased as punch to have you! 5’7” and 243 pounds. A shot put competition? Sure, Shontera. Any particular projectile in mind? That skinny white guy over there? The one you pointed at and he piddled himself? Yes, ma’am! Tom! Tom, can you come over here? We have another talent segment for you. Yes, showbiz is a tough business to break into.
Ronica is still high after her 3 “being under the influence of a controlled substance” charges spread out over just 11 weeks. The camera is over here, babe! Up and to your right – no, deary, your other right. C’mon, Ronny, let the boys see those green eyes! That’s right, up here, girl. Little more … folks, this may take a while. Let’s move on.
Our next contestant is Abigail Fields. Abby served just 3 months 2 days on a three-year sentence for theft – guess that winning smile wooed a judge and guard or two! She maxed just 3 weeks ago. Come back, girl, we miss you!
With the head of a little person cast on a 5’8” frame, we tried to convince our next entry to wait until another competition more suited to her uniqueness came around. But when Mary Hyatt looked me dead in the eye and said, “no” and then told me that she stole a car and eluded the police on my 44th birthday, silly me thought, “how’d she know when my birt—?” I quickly recovered and said, “welcome aboard, Mary!”
From her native Bolivia to a schoolyard near you, Danielle Massa is tall and elegant with features hinting at royal bloodlines. Danielle shared, “it’s bullsheet, in my native South America we always deal drugs on school property. Where else do chew go to find da children!” We not so sure the underlying presumption is valid, but overlooking that obstacle – the logic is flawless!
Our next contestant is Ietta Parrott. Her soft eyes warm up the audience to her stunning off the shoulder prison jumper. Her 18-month stint for aggravated assault must be a mistake! How could those full lips and pesky jowls go around bitch-slapping some dude with a walking stick? Fly away, my parrot, you’ve reached your max date!
Jessica Servais – sporting a man-do and a little neck ink – is one of just two of our ladies that could obtain lipstick in the prison black market to doll-up for our pics. One shudders to think the price they paid! Jessica sang a lovely baritone version of “Ole Man River” that brought our judges to tears. She’ll make some gal a great husband some day. Stop robbing liquor stores, Jess, you’ve got a career on the stage waiting for you!
With an award-winning smile, Kristina Stolnik just draws you in. Coming from good stock (Kristina’s mom, Kathy, is Inmate 00041298C, 7 years for theft), our contestant is a sure bet to see the final round. Hey, what’s that tucked away aside your right nostril? Better get that looked at in the infirmary, dear!
Next up, Erika Vega has been high so often, she’s not only been busted, but then tested hot whilst on parole and busted again! The sad, droopy-dog tails frame a lovely face with (for this pic only!) stunningly bright white eyes. Erika’s stage name is Jasmine – meaning we may see her again on a non-drug charge! Looking forward to it, girl!
Sirkerra Hawkins says everything without needing a word. When she auditioned and said her talent was “death by auto with a 5 year tail,” we told her that it didn’t quite fit the look our advertisers were seeking. We got the same look she is sharing in this pic. Not a word; just the look. Welcome aboard, Sirkerra!
April Wooten showed up in costume and ready for her talent piece. We know, love, the prison tanning booth isn’t the best. But we cannot get involved in a lawsuit. Yes, we’d be angry, too. No, you’ll have to write the letter to your congressman yourself. We’re very busy, sorry. Get your GED, dear, that’ll help you. How do you spell that? G-E-D, yes, that’s right. G, darling. Yes. E …
Debra Clemens brings a natural beauty and a lot of time on her hands. Seems Debra drove without insurance and didn’t quite say the polite things at the time of arrest. Kinda angered the judge. He gave her 14 days to cool off. Fourteen days! Are you outta your mind! Like the wind, Debra was gone, escaped. But us Eastern Europeans leave a stink trail, girl! Don’t you know that? Escape, felony, 3 years. Welcome aboard!
Erin Farms is our second contestant to pay an mentionable price for obtaining lipstick. Between bouncing checks, DUI, and eluding police, Erin is just plain tired! We wish her all the luck over the next few weeks. You didn’t get that lipstick from Vanessa, dear, did you? Oh my! Um, oh … yuk … just plain yuk. Hey judges, free pass into the second round?
Well, that’s it for the first Girls of the New Jersey Penal System Beauty Pageant! Be sure to vote early and often!
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